So in my current life, not only am I working full time at a fast-paced job, attending school part-time for my Masters degree, dealing with eczema and TSW, but I’m embroiled in a bitterly sad relationship struggle with my husband – he wants to divorce, I don’t. I still have hope for our future and love in my heart for him – he doesn’t. And this came as quite a shock. To him, the relationship is OVER.
Now that I’ve been living apart from him and living at my parents’ house for a week and a half, I have to say it was extremely helpful removing myself from the emotionally toxic environment that my own home had sadly become. I come home to kind people that love me, rather than someone brusque that tries to avoid me and who told me recently that he could no longer be ANY sort of emotional support as I go through TSW (!!!)
Having some time to think things over and being husband-less, barely communicating with him except some emails and texts here and there, I kept coming to the conclusion that although it may be better, albeit initially much more painful, for me as an individual to go and be set free, I STILL LOVE HIM. Of course! What can I say – we’ve been together for 10 years and being without him for 10 days made me miss him terribly. Or maybe I should say, made me miss the way things WERE when he loved me back. I got really, really sad on Monday and almost lost it at work (very atypical of me) because I kept thinking I would never get to hug him again – at least not as his wife. I just miss the simple things – we were very affectionate people and used to hug all the time. Being around him at its best was infinitely comforting, basking in the warm glow of being near the one you love.
I sent him a very emotionally neutral text today with a funny/cute picture of a bear, since we both really liked bears. I was just sending it as a friend and saying “This made me think of you, I thought you’d appreciate it”. When, hours later, my phone beeped back with a text, my heart leaped a little bit. Maybe this text reminded him of the way things were! Maybe he didn’t respond right away because he was carefully phrasing his text asking me to come back and that he misses me and that he’s so sorry he put me through this, he was wrong and we really can maybe try to work things out, that he still loves me.
I click the text, begin to read, and then my heart drops, I break out into a cold sweat and begin to subtly shake all over.
Paraphrased, the texts read that he has signed divorce paperwork today with an attorney. The process takes 60 days at minimum. (Swell, I have a spring birthday, so for a celebration this year I guess I’m getting the gift of losing a husband. Nice.) And that I should seek legal counsel if I haven’t already. He thought it was better to get it moving and move past our relationship as fast as possible.
My state is a “no fault” state, meaning that neither party has to prove anything amiss for divorce to happen. In essence, he can divorce me without my consent, and clearly he’s starting on that path since I had NO IDEA he was going to go through with paperwork that fast. I didn’t even have time to find my own attorney or lawyer yet! And just a few weeks ago, when we still lived under the same roof, he assured me that he wasn’t going to go through with anything for a few months until I graduate from school.
So much for that. All of these experiences are teaching me I have strength and endurance beyond what I thought possible. I just keep waking up day to day and moving through life as best I can. I need to win the friggin’ Oscar award for Best Individual Building Character Among Life’s Tribulations.
But he didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need his love
But he treats me like a stranger and that feels so rough…
…Now he’s just somebody that I used to know.